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Feelin good...

Posted on 2007.11.28 at 16:11
Well… I’m a week past my “estimated” due date. I’m not worried yet as the baby’s heartbeat and movements are strong, and I’m feeling great. I figured my due date was off anyways. Next week Friday is as far as my dr. will let me go before inducing me. Though she did say that I could switch care providers if I wanted to wait longer. I hope to go into labor before then. I want a natural, healthy birth. There’s this spicy, eggplant parmesan dish at this restaurant on Cobb Parkway that’s supposed to guarantee labor. My doula and I plan on making it there this weekend. I’m stepping it up with the walks, yoga ball, squatting, perineal massages… to get my baby to come on down and out. Soon-to-be Grandpa and my aunt are ready to meet him already! They have been such a big help and blessing coming here to visit and making sure me and the baby are ok. Live, Love, Happiness. Feelin’ Good. = ) xo, V…..

“Feeling Good” – Michael Bublé


Posted on 2007.10.24 at 17:19

It’s getting closer to the due date in late November, only 4 more weeks! It’s been a super easy pregnancy. My lil boy is growing and moving around getting ready for his big day.

I never regretted the pregnancy. There is negativity with one particular person, whom has criticized and judged me based on ignorance of facts and is too arrogant to apologize. She has mocked my efforts in seeking positive healing with my domestic violence counselor, support group, and books. She has put me down for being a single mom. That is an insult to all single moms out there, who have done so by choice for the better.

I am still with my bf at a very healthy distance as I offer encouragement as he works through his addictions in a secured environment. Only a few who know me personally know some of the drama. I have written in LJ in more detail as it is a form of therapy and to keep me in check of where I’ve been and how I can learn from this thing called life.

I have been genuinely more positive since the pregnancy. I believe it’s actually affected my biochemistry in a really good way.

I am also realizing how negative people can be. My dad has has genuinely been supportive and there for me. He has his concerns like everyone else, but knows that I am capable. You really get to know someone’s true state of mind and whether or not they respect you during certain life changing circumstances. You are warmed by the comfort of those that support you on your journey, while there are others that are just full of hate and negativity that it’s best to just do you’re best to banish that energy. It’s completely selfish for someone to impose negative energy on others, especially if one is trying to make the best out of a tough situation.

Life is not perfect. The people that you love aren’t always perfect. I am a love addict that fell in love with an addict of many sorts. We conceived a baby together. It was love, when he was sober. I chose him. He chose me. He’s taking responsibility for his actions. His punishment is that he can’t physically be there when his son is being born into this world. He has to spend the rest of this year and some of next year in confinement thinking about all the wrongs and what he needs to do right them and heal himself. Sometimes monsters are born. Sometimes they are made. I don’t give up easily.

My son’s wellbeing and safety is first and foremost. It’s reassuring to know that the people that see me everyday know that I’m going to be a good mother.

To all you out there that choose to promote healthy positive energy, THANK YOU!!! = )


"All The Same" – Sick Puppies
I dont mind where you come from. As long as you come to me. But I dont like illusions I cant see. Them clearly. I dont care, no I wouldn't dare. To fix the twist in you. You've shown me eventually what you'll do. I dont mind. I dont care. As long as you're here. Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again. You'll just come back running. Holding your scarred heart in hand. It's all the same. And I'll take you for who you are. If you take me for everything. And do it all over again. It's all the same. Hours slide and days go by. Till you decide to come. But in-between it always seems too long. Suddenly. But I have the skill, yeah. I have the will, to breath you in while I can. However long you stay is all that I am. I dont mind, I dont care. As long as you're here. Wrong or Right. Black or White. If I close my eyes. Its all the same. In my life. The compromise. I'll close my eyes. Its all the same…


“Apologize” - One Republic (Timbaland mix): “I'm holding on your rope. Got me ten feet off the ground. And I'm hearing what you say. But I just can't make a sound. You tell me that you need me. Then you go and cut me down. But wait... You tell me that you're sorry. Didn't think I'd turn around and say. That it's too late to apologize, it's too late. I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late. I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. And I need you like a heart needs a beat. (But that's nothing new). Yeah. I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue. And you say. Sorry, like the angel, heaven let me think was you. But I'm afraid. It's too late to apologize, it's too late… I'm holding on your rope. Got me ten feet off the ground...”

Reality vs. Coaddict

Posted on 2007.07.17 at 17:27
Time melts away as my a/c window unit circulates mildew-infested air around my bedroom at my new place. I like my new home, even though I sometimes have to manually reset the water pump in the toilet or wring out a load of clothes from the washer because it decides it doesn’t want to work anymore half way through the cycle. It’s a nicer, family-friendly neighborhood here, where I imagine future stroller walks with my happy baby.

I finished reading ”Betrayal Bond” by Partrick Carnes. . http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Patrick-J-Carnes/dp/1558745262/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-4779903-5963050?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1184334118&sr=1-1
It’s intense self-therapy that dissects my behavior and codependency. There is such a thing as a biologically-produced chemical addiction, Phenethylamine http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenylethylamine . So codependency and sex addiction can be a chemical addiction as well. It’s internal, so not readily accepted by the mainstream as an addiction like with alcohol or drugs. I’ve thought this for some time that there was some connection with bio-chemistry, and it’s nice to finally know that it is real.

I’ve just started reading “Don’t Call It Love” that was lent to me by one of my COSA support group members. This book dissects the behavior of the sex addict. http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Call-Love-Recovery-Addiction/dp/0553351389/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-3409915-8478317?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1184705761&sr=1-1 . “Out of the Shadows” is supposed to be even better regarding the subject, so I’m looking forward to getting a hold of that next. http://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-3409915-8478317?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1184706057&sr=1-1

I don’t know if I can resist my enabler when or if he gets out, but right now I am granted distance and a no contact order from him while he is on “vacation”. I’m allowing myself to get a grasp on reality and his behavior and betrayals and heal and regain my strength. I don’t know what his current state of mind is. He may be completely furious with me, and I don’t care. I doubt he has any remorse or comprehension of what he’s done. He’s too arrogant and selfish for empathy.

~ V.

Blink 182- “Man Overboard”

so sorry, it's over.there's so much more that I wanted and.there's so much more that I needed and
time keeps moving on and on and on... soon we'll all be gone.Let's take some time to talk this over.you're outta line and rarely sober.we can't depend, on your excuses.because in the end it's fucking useless.you can only lean, on me for so long.bring the ship about to watch a friend drown.sittin' out on a ledge, begged you to come down.you can only lean, on me for so long.I remember shots without a chaser.absent minded thoughts now you're a stranger.cover up the scars, put on your game face.left you in a bar, to try and save face.you can only lean, on me for so long.Man on a mission.can't say I miss him around.insider information.hand in your resignation.loss of a good friend.best of intentions I found.tight lipped procrastination.ya, later... see you around

Blink 182- “I Miss You”

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.the shadow in the background of the morgue.the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley.we can live like Jack and Sally if we want.where you can always find me.we'll have Halloween on Christmas.and in the night we'll wish this never ends.we'll wish this never ends.(I miss you, miss you).Where are you and I'm so sorry.I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.I need somebody and always.this sick strange darkness.comes creeping on so haunting every time.and as I stared I counted.webs from all the spiders.catching things and eating their insides.like indecision to call you.and hear your voice of treason.will you come home and stop this pain tonight.stop this pain tonight.Don't waste your time on me you're already.the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you).don't waste your time on me you're already.the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)

Blink 182- “Down”

The drops of rain they fall all over.this awkward silence makes me crazy.the glow inside burns light upon her.I'll try to kiss you if you let me.(this can't be the end).Tidal waves they rip right through me.tears from eyes worn cold and sad.pick me up now, I need you so bad.Down down down down.(it gets me so).Your vows of silence fall all over.the look in your eyes makes me crazy.I feel the darkness break upon her.I'll take you over if you let me.(you did this).Tidal waves they rip right through me.tears from eyes worn cold and sad.pick me up now, I need you so bad.Down down down down.(it gets me so)

Alanis Morissette- “You Ought Know”

I want you to know .That I'm happy for you.I wish nothing but.The best for you both.An older version of me.Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theatre? Does she speak eloquently?And would she have your baby? I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.'Cause the love that you gave that we made.Wasn't able to make it enough for you.To be open wide .No.And every time you speak her name.Does she know how you told me you'd hold me.Until you died? But you're still alive.And I'm here to remind you.Of the mess you left when you went away.It's not fair to deny me.Of the cross I bare that you gave to me.You, you, you oughta know.You seem very well.Things look peaceful .I'm not quite as well.I thought you should know.Did you forget about me.Mister Duplicity .I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.It was a slap in the face.How quickly I was replaced.And are you thinking of me when you fuck her? The love that you gave that we made.Wasn't able to make it enough for you.To be open wide.No.And every time you speak her name.Does she know how you told me you'd hold me.Until you died? And I'm here to remind you.Of the mess you left when you went away.It's not fair to deny me.Of the cross I bare that you gave to me.You, you, you oughta know.Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me,And I'm not gonna fade.As soon as you close your eyes.No .And every time I scratch my nails.Down someone else's back.I hope you feel it.And can you feel it? You, you, you oughta know.

Hole- “Drown Soda”

Ooh, yeah he wants to take you,take you away from your life. Ooh, yeah he wants to help you.Come on and take my hand.Ooh, yeah he wants to kill you,baby, I know you'd understand.Just you wait till everyone is hooked..Ooh yeah, he wants to take you,take you away from your lies.Ooh yeah, he wants to take you,take you away from your life.Are you gonna sit and watch me? Watch me while I go down...Ooh yeah, he wants to kill you. Tell you about my life.Sit in the corner and I drink drown soda.

girls don't cry

Posted on 2007.06.27 at 15:59
It's a boy! Ultrasound pics on 06/21/2007 at 19 weeks or 4 1/2 months.

Back on LJ for a minute. Pregnancy is going well. Bf is not. His short 3-month stint at the Darlington provided me with the TRUTH (finally), his habitual betrayal. A true con-artist of the heart. He moved back into my place in May to be arrested for battery against me in June. He maintained that he has always been committed to me, but in the month of April alone he managed to pursue two other “committed” relationships (god only knows how many others there are). I don’t know what’s worse. Finding out that he’s telling his buddies that I’m his ex or that it’s not his baby or that I cheated on him (lie) or not acknowledging to others that I exist at all. Icing on the cake. I spoke to one of the girls he was with. While I was out of town late May to test of a job in Cali, he decides to have this girl over my place. Claiming that it was his place and all the girly stuff was his friend’s gf’s stuff and that my car was his. What a liar! She told me she was over my place 3 times and slept over. In MY BED they had sex! I’m still absorbing all this as it’s really difficult to understand or comprehend how someone that you love and devoted everything to could be so careless and cruel. In spite of all this, my addiction to him still lingers, but I’m doing my best to hold onto reality.

"Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie


The smell of your skin lingers on me now…I need some shelter of my own protection baby.To be with myself and center, clarity.Peace, Serenity…It's personal, myself and I.We've got some straightenin' out to do.And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket.But I've got to get a move on with my life.It's time to be a big girl now.And big girls don't cry…The path that I'm walking.I must go alone.I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown.Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay…But it's time for me to go home.It's getting late, dark outside.I need to be with myself and center, clarity.Peace, Serenity.

[Give me a good reason] pgs. 142-143:

“Not describing reality accurately often becomes self-propaganda.

Avoiding describing reality accurately is often a strategy to overcome the negative consequences of your actions.

Our society puts a high premium on reasons and excuses. Most people learn that if they have a good reason for not succeeding, they can sometimes avoid negative consequences. Many people misrepresent reality though a smoke screen of plausible-sounding reasons that are designed to distract themselves and others from the truth.
Read more...Collapse )

another random anonomoly

Posted on 2007.02.26 at 20:08
of course "something else" did come up. ha! not suprised. and so we wait... (again)

"Precious"- Depeche Mode
Prison Break VIDEO: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1486498169
Precious and fragile things.Need special handling.My God, what have we done to you?We always tried to share.The tenderest of care.Now look what we have put you through.Things get damaged.Things get broken.I thought we'd manage.But words left unspoken.Left us so brittle.There was so little left to give.Angels with silver wings.Shouldn't know suffering.I wish I could take the pain for you.If God has a master plan.That only He understands.I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through.I pray you learn to trust.Have faith in both of us.And keep room in your hearts for two.

"Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner"- Fall Out Boy
AUDIO (acoustic): http://www.purevolume.com/falloutboy
Drink down that Gin and Kerosene,And come spit on bridges with me,Just to keep us warm.Light a match to leave me be.I keep my jealousy close,'Cause it's all mine.And if you say this makes you happy,Then I'm not the only one lying.Nothing comes as easy as you.Can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret.And your biggest mistake.The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day.So wear me like a locket around your throat.I'll weigh you down.I'll watch you choke.You look so good in blue.

"Best of You"- Foo Fighters
VIDEO: http://www.codesandlyrics.com/cal/foofighters-bestofyou.php?play=1
I’ve got another confession to make.I’m your fool.Everyone’s got their chains to break.Holdin’ you.Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best of you? Are you gone and onto someone new? I needed somewhere to hang my head.Without your noose.You gave me something that I didn’t have.But had no use.I was too weak to give in.Too strong to lose.My heart is under arrest again.But I break loose.My head is giving me life or death.But I can’t choose I swear I’ll never give in.I refuse.Is someone getting the best of you? Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel.You trust, you must.Confess.Is someone getting the best of you? Oh...Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel.The life, the love.You die to heal.The hope that starts.The broken hearts.You trust, you must.Confess.Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? I’ve got another confession my friend.I’m no fool.I’m getting tired of starting again.Somewhere new.Were you born to resist or be abused? I swear I’ll never give in.I refuse.


Posted on 2007.02.26 at 00:52
VIDEO: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2010458910

Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy.one look puts the rhythm in my hand.Still I'll never understand why you hang around.I see what's going down.Cover up with makeup in the mirror.tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again.you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end.as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect.every action in this world will bear a consequence.If you wade around forever, you will surely drown.I see what's going down.I see the way you go and say you're right again, say you're right again heed my lecture.Face down in the dirt, she said, "This doesn't hurt", she said, "I finally had enough." One day she will tell you that she has had enough it's coming round again.


Posted on 2007.02.26 at 00:33
VIDEO: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=1695509153

All our secrets they are daily trouble.Drip loose not around your head.Your spotless instincts are valid.We coexist.Got 26 days to work with (it moves, it moves, it moves).We'll see what all gets done.I'm an addict for dramatics.I confuse the two for love.You can tell me that you don't bend.Liar (liar).If we're keeping score.We're all choir boys at best.(interested and arrogant).Then back on that island.That you swear by.Still barely can't afford.It's still a question of.How long will this hold?.Well is it any different.Now that we are home.Don't you go there not here, not now.Liar (liar).


Posted on 2007.02.26 at 00:03
VIDEO: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=1846064821

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking.When you fall everyone stands.Another day and you've had your fill of sinking.With the life held in your.Hands are shaking cold.These hands are meant to hold.Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong.Move along, move along like I know you do.And even when your hope is gone.Move along, move along just to make it through.Move along.Move along.So a day when you've lost yourself completely.Could be a night when your life ends.Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving.All the pain held in your.Hands are shaking cold.Your hands are mine to hold.When everything is wrong, we move along.(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

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